CRAVINGS CONFIDENTIAL

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Trusting #TRUTH - no more "circling the mountain"

It’s week 4 in our Made to Crave bible study…

…the half-way point…the home-stretch!

If you’re like me, you may have expected to feel…

…half-way there…or nearly home-free!

But…even if you’re about to crest a peak….climbing a mountain can still feel grueling. This week, even Lysa’s chapter titles gave testimony to the fear I felt about passing the week 4 mile marker in this journey towards Jesus.

“It’s Isn’t Fair!” (Chapter 10)

“Stinkin’, Rotten, Horrible, No Good Day!” (Chapter 11)

“The Curse of the Skinny Jeans” (Chapter 12)

I LOVED these chapters. What an amazing God that THESE chapters would come up at the week 4 mile marker. My husband just left for a work trip and I have never been one to do well without accountability. When I’m alone, my resolve melts like butter and I am easily thrown by the wave of each passing emotion. Whether consumed by a moment’s loneliness, coveting a moment’s quietness, or caught in a moment’s boredom…past solitude has typically become a slippery slope of sin.

Coming into this week, I’ve been bracing for failure and riddled with fear. Several times, I’ve felt the following lyrics boil up in my soul. They’re from a song I wrote in 2013 to express the helpless/hopeless feeling of cycling in and out of sin.

A Messy Me (Galatians 5:17)

Click here for a rough vocal-only recording of the song; I apologize my keyboard

wasn't working and there's quite a bit of unfortunate background noise.

On days like this

When the sun outside is hiding

My skin feels damp

It’s cloudy in my soul

And I hate this stupid dance

Two step forward another back

Round and round in circles I go

You said You’d purified me

But I still feel so ugly

Don’t like the reflection I see

In the mirror

I know You’re always at work

But Your fingerprints they start to blur

When I get mixed up in myself

Mixed up in myself

I guess that’s how it boils down

A choice between You and my own crown

What kind of obsession

Will I foster?

And I know I’ve sung it all before

Less of me and more of You, Lord

But each time I stand

I fall again.

It’s a push and pull – a tug of war

A battle raging in my core

I feel like Adam and like Eve

Or Eden bursting into weeds

I know Your plan is to redeem

But it takes so long I feel defeat

Where’s the forest through these trees?

Father help me…

Instrumental verse….

It’s for freedom – he set us free

There I was…with that cry for freedom dripping off my lips, when I read these powerful words: “Either, we can be victimized and become victims, or we can be victimized and rise above. Often, it is easier to play the victim than take off our masks and ask for help. We get comfortable with our victim status. It becomes our identity and is hard to give up. The Israelites often played the victim card. I love what God finally tells them. ‘You have circled this mountain long enough”. Now turn North’ (Deuteronomy 2:3)” – Made to Crave, quoting Ruth Graham.

Wow. It was like Jesus jumped off of the page and grabbed my attention. “Turn NORTH! Look to Me. Come out of the shadows and into the Light! Take courage. You are not destined for failure. I will be your strength. My grace IS sufficient for you. My power is made perfect in weakness!!”

These are the #truths that God is revealing to me! My past is only paralyzing if I give it power. My history only feels hopeless when I wallow in yesterday’s mistakes. Instead, I can cling to the promise that Christ is in the business of transformation. This journey is not about changing my habits…it’s about changing my heart.

Proverbs 31 Blog Hop

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

From Pimply Prose to Perfect Peace

Perception

When you are a cherry-cheeked schoolgirl

Bouncing on crooked knees during daily circle time

And they ask you:

“What does the letter A stand for?”

Your curious eyes scan crayola walls and

Your spongy brain soaks up every image and

Your self-assured voice quickly blurts out loud

A is for “Apple” and B is for “Bat!!!”

When you are a pimple-faced highschooler

Hiding behind classroom walls and in library books

And they ask you:

“What does the letter A stand for?”

Your sarcastic eyes roll back into your head and

Your self-absorbed brain assumes that they mock and

Your whisper is “Apple” but your insides scream

A is for “Acne” and B is for “Butter face!!”

This week in “Made to Crave”, I was struck by two chapters strictly devoted to self-image. Between Chapter 7 (I’m Not Defined by the Numbers) and Chapter 8 (Making Peace with the Realities of My Body), I found myself examining the deep-dark secrets of my physical insecurities.

Of course there’s the hair – flat and straight…refusing to hold volume or sport any kind of stylistic change.

And then there’s the BLT – yeah…that’s right. The Big Left Titty. I apologize for the vulgarity but it’s simply true. Most girls have a “bigger one”…mine is just a LOT bigger. So between the humiliation of bra-shopping or attempts to wear strapless ANYTHING…the BLT warrants its crass nickname.

But if I’m really honest…

All the way back from high school

My least favorite feature has been and still is…my A-C-N-E.

I remember psychoanalyzing every picture for traces of pimples

And trialing several types of makeup in hopes of covering the carnage

And praying…literally praying!...that the zits clear before gray hair sets in

(“Seriously God…I don’t DESERVE that double wammy!!!)

Needless to say, I could relate to Lisa’s “Tankle” story. It made me laugh, but it also made me realize that I judge myself more than I would judge anyone else.

And…at least when it comes to appearance…I judge myself much, MUCH more harshly than Christ.

http://www.pinterest.com/pin/113504853082480950/

Dear God, thank you for creating me in your image. Help me to see my life...and even my body…through the lens of your all-encompassing Grace. I need neither the naivety of grade school youth nor the spitefulness of high school. Grant me fresh eyes and a renewed mind. Don’t allow me to be contented with complacency or to lie-still in laziness. I need your strength. I need your power. I need you.

Jesus…my sweet Jesus who knows the weakness of flesh and the power of victory…give me strength to walk this journey. For it is not about size. It is not about beauty. It is not about self-exploration or even self-improvement. You have placed this path before me to draw me closer to your heart. You are calling me to make a conscious and consistent choice to follow you - even with things that seem too little…and even with things that seem too hard. Grant me your power. Grant me your peace. In Christ’s heavenly name – Amen

Proverbs 31 Blog Hop

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Dear Reader (how breakDOWN led to BreakTHROUGH)

To the 43,000+ "Made To Crave" participants ~

You.

Yes YOU.

Who signed up for this study with a bit of hesitation.

Who wondered if this group would make any real difference.

Who shared your hopes and dreams

over Facebook, twitter, and blogs.

Our struggles are different - but our hearts are the same. Let me give you some insight on mine.

I was married at 21. The saying in college was "ring by spring" of your senior year. Being a notorious overachiever, I graduated in 3 years and got married the following summer.

I hope there's no misunderstanding. The godly man I married was/is wonderful. We are deeply in love and I wouldn't change a thing about him. It's just that being married so young and seeming to have it "all together"…well, it can be a catch 22.

See, my family of origin is very broken. Neither of my siblings graduated high school. Both of them have struggled with substance abuse. Both of them have been in and out of broken relationships. And then there’s me…with a loving husband, a master's degree, a professional job, a steady income, a nice home... It’s hard not to compare. And it’s easy to assume I either have no struggles or that…at the least…I shouldn't complain about them!!

For 6 years – that worked out pretty well. Life was great. I felt happy. I felt whole. And I praised God for His Goodness.

Within 6 months – it all changed. In 2012, I lost two grandparents – and my first child. It turned my life upside down.

I tried to praise God through the trials

I tried to find meaning in the suffering

I tried to hold up hope for another baby

But…time…ticked..on.

Months turned into years and I found myself questioning God’s silencing. Doubting God’s faithful. Growing anxious. Growing e-n-v-i-o-u-s.

Because as I waited...

As I WANTED

Over 20 babies were born.

You might think I'm exaggerating, but I'm not. That's the truth...without even stopping to think or count. And it’s not that I wasn’t happy for other people. Time has taught me that you can easily feel two emotions at once. Peace and pain are not exclusive. Joy and sorrow are not contradictions. Because when you look at a woman growing with child – or – you watch a newborn baby sleeping – or – you press their silky skin against your cheek…you cannot help but smile! Babies are beauty and hope! It's just that, as those months rolled into years, the news of more expecting friends started to cut deeper and deeper. Each coworker, each church-mate, and eventually even random stranger

...their bliss fueled my h-e-a-r-t-a-c-h-e...

That’s when I started to REALLY eat.

It’s just like Lysa said – food is the perfect idol for a Christian woman. Who was going to say anything?! It’s just a second bowl of pasta. It’s just an extra slice of cake. With time, I noticed my portions were larger than most people's and proceeded to eat in secret. Jerky on the drive home. Chips hidden in the underwear drawer.

But because the underlying agony was so raw…

And my binging behavior inflicted such deep shame....

And I continued to (wrongfully) compared myself with those “so-happy” friends...

and those “so-broken” siblings…

I suffered in silence.

This blog and the overall "Made to Crave" experience is the first time…in nearly TWO years…that I am confronting my emotions, confessing my actions, and praying for change.

It was hard at first to face the reality. Harder still to hope for change. I did not feel #EMPOWERED…I felt overwhelmed. But as I sifted through blog posts and facebook comments, I realized that I was not the only one. So many other people shared stories of heartache and hopelessness. But as these 43,00+ people...mostly strangers...lifted their eyes to heaven and held each other in prayer, a community formed. And out of this broken body, a single voice arose. They were all professing...

"I AM empowered!!"

"We CAN change!!"

“We WILL BE overcomers”

If you hear something enough, you start to believe it. And although I’m afraid to fail…afraid to be vulnerable…afraid to be judged – I finally feel #EMPOWERED. I’m holding fast to my #DETERMINATION!!

"WE were made for more than excuses and vicious cycles.

WE can taste success. WE can experience truth.

WE can choose to stay on the path of hard work and perseverance.

WE can build one success on top of another.

WE can keep "MADE FOR MORE"

at the top of our minds and on the tips of our tongues.

And our eating habits can be totally transformed

as we keep asking, embrace our true identify,

find the deeper reason for claiming that identify,

and operate in the hope and power that's like no other".
Lysa Terkeurst, Made To Crave

This week...I moved from beakDOWN to breakTHROUGH!!! My excuses are OVERRULED and I'm learning that this is less about will power...more about His power.

So reader and friend...

Cheerleader and companion....

Thank you!

Yes YOU.

For partnering in His purpose.

For sharing in my journey.

With love,

~ Miriam E. Lind

P.S. I'VE SAID NO TO A HALF OPENED BAG OF CRUNCHER BBQ CHIPS....FOR FOUR DAYS IN A ROW!!!

P.P.S. THIS WAS THE BREAK-ROOM TABLE AT WORK THIS WEEK....I RESISTED IT ALL!! PRAISE JESUS!!

Proverbs 31 Blog Hop

Thursday, January 23, 2014

The Starting Block - M2C week 1 blog hop (A Raging Battle)

The Starting Block

Tonight I weighed in…

I’ve been fearing that moment…dreading that number

I know I am more than my weight or my body

but Nick planned a date; we were headed into town

and I really wanted to wear the new boots

tan and tall – to embody “EMPOWERED”!!

Of course – you can’t wear thigh-high boots unless your pants tuck in

and the only “tuck-in-able” pants I own are those cursed s-k-i-n-n-y jeans

I pulled and I prayed

I puckered and I pudged

b-u-t t-h-e d-e-n-i-m d-e-n-i-e-d

unlike my will (or my weight)

the size of those jeans remained fixed

their measurements were permanent

and as I stood there

with my stomach smashed under the button I’d forced closed

trying to decide if I could stretch the jeans overnight

unconsciously willing my brain to think about

something

anything

except

that

muffin-top

some long-suppressed thoughts crept into conscious…

This is the fat-cheeked face of failure

This is the butter-ball bulge of bitterness

These are the heavy-set hips of hedonism

I tried to crush the conviction

attempted to ignore the inkling

but a pattern started emerging

a reality quickly surfacing!

Over the last several years of

Disappointment – Death – and Doubt

my crutch

my constant

has been food

I eat in sorrow – I eat in joy – I eat when I’m stressed – I eat when I’m rejoicing –

I eat to share community – I eat to soothe loneliness – I eat – And I eat – And I eat

When work feels overwhelming

And relationships strained

Salt becomes solace

When the elliptical gathers dust

And the guitar goes out of tune

Chocolate still cheers

When the smell of fresh baby skin

Pierces the air…and my heart

Sugar is shalom

Staring in the mirror at the juxtaposition between too-tight pants and so-soft flab

T-H-E R-E-A-L-I-Z-A-T-I-O-N R-O-L-L-E-D I-N

“This wasn’t really about the scale or what clothing size I was;

it was about this battle that raged in my heart…

I had to get honest enough to admit it:

I relied on food more than I relied on God.

I craved food more than I craved God”.

Lysa Terkeurst, Made To Crave

(a pause)

Could this struggle really be more spiritual than physical?

(a sigh)

Would a realigned perspective help me finally reach my goals?

(a tear)

Should I dare hope for a change heart AND a renewed body?

“David also said to Solomon his son, "Be strong and courageous, and do the work. Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the LORD God, my God, is with you. He will not fail you or forsake you until all the work for the service of the temple of the LORD is finished.” 1 Chronicles 28:20

I pealed off the pants and walked to scale

158lbs

Miriam E Lind

January 23, 2014