The Starting Block - M2C week 1 blog hop (A Raging Battle)

The Starting Block

Tonight I weighed in…

I’ve been fearing that moment…dreading that number

I know I am more than my weight or my body

but Nick planned a date; we were headed into town

and I really wanted to wear the new boots

tan and tall – to embody “EMPOWERED”!!

Of course – you can’t wear thigh-high boots unless your pants tuck in

and the only “tuck-in-able” pants I own are those cursed s-k-i-n-n-y jeans

I pulled and I prayed

I puckered and I pudged

b-u-t   t-h-e   d-e-n-i-m   d-e-n-i-e-d

unlike my will (or my weight)

the size of those jeans remained fixed

their measurements were permanent

and as I stood there

with my stomach smashed under the button I’d forced closed

trying to decide if I could stretch the jeans overnight

unconsciously willing my brain to think about

something

          anything

                    except

                              that

                                     muffin-top

some long-suppressed thoughts crept into conscious…

This is the fat-cheeked face of failure

This is the butter-ball bulge of bitterness

These are the heavy-set hips of hedonism

I tried to crush the conviction

attempted to ignore the inkling

but a pattern started emerging

a reality quickly surfacing!

Over the last several years of

Disappointment – Death – and Doubt

          my crutch

                    my constant

                              has been food

I eat in sorrow – I eat in joy – I eat when I’m stressed – I eat when I’m rejoicing –

I eat to share community – I eat to soothe loneliness – I eat – And I eat – And I eat

When work feels overwhelming

And relationships strained

            Salt becomes solace

When the elliptical gathers dust

And the guitar goes out of tune

            Chocolate still cheers

When the smell of fresh baby skin

Pierces the air…and my heart

            Sugar is shalom

Staring in the mirror at the juxtaposition between too-tight pants and so-soft flab

T-H-E      R-E-A-L-I-Z-A-T-I-O-N      R-O-L-L-E-D      I-N

“This wasn’t really about the scale or what clothing size I was;

it was about this battle that raged in my heart…

I had to get honest enough to admit it:

I relied on food more than I relied on God.

I craved food more than I craved God”.

Lysa Terkeurst, Made To Crave

(a pause)

Could this struggle really be more spiritual than physical?

(a sigh)

Would a realigned perspective help me finally reach my goals?

(a tear)

Should I dare hope for a change heart AND a renewed body?

“David also said to Solomon his son, "Be strong and courageous, and do the work. Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the LORD God, my God, is with you. He will not fail you or forsake you until all the work for the service of the temple of the LORD is finished.” 1 Chronicles 28:20

I pealed off the pants and walked to scale

158lbs

Miriam E Lind

January 23, 2014



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